As I sit here thinking about turning 30 in a few months, I realize I don’t have any of the anxiety about this birthday as I did my 25th. There was something about turning 25 that never sat right with me. Twenty-five just seemed so final; but as my 20’s come to an end, I don’t have that same sense of finality. I felt like turning 25 meant I was officially an adult, and my youth was over.
Who did I think I was kidding? At 25, I was already an adult. I had a bachelor’s degree, a career, a husband, 2 children, a mortgage, car loan, etc. I was an adult. I chose that life. I love that life. Yet, I wanted to skip year 25 altogether.
Let me let you all in on a little secret though. Twenty-five was anything but final! Twenty-five was just the beginning.
My period of self discovery happened after my 25th birthday.
I struggled silently for a long time with depression and anxiety. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my entire life is realize that I couldn’t solve that problem on my own. I finally sought help not long after turning 25. I was officially diagnosed with high functioning depression and anxiety. My relief? A single white pill I take every day. It doesn’t make me a zombie like a lot of people think. It doesn’t make me emotionless. I still have emotions. I still get joyful, sad, angry, and sometimes even anxious. My bad days just are no longer as dark, and my bright days are brighter. But that one monumental step in my self discovery, that one pill, gave me my life back.
I discovered that I could sit and stare at my children for hours, and found peace in their innocence and happiness. I love watching them grow and learn new things. I love watching them as their minds work to figure out new things. I love being the person to help them learn, grow, kiss boo boos, and teach them about life.
I developed passions for new things; things that I would have never even dreamed I’d be passionate about.
I found a love for baking and creating things with my hands. I can spend hours upon hours in the kitchen baking or at my table decorating baked goods, and it will seem like no time has passed at all. I found myself having to set alarms on my phone so that I could wrap things up and call it quits for the night, or I wouldn’t get any sleep.
I’ve always loved animals, and my husband and I have always had them. It wasn’t until after I turned 25 that I found a true love for our farm. I became more involved in the farm work and chores. I found myself wanting to learn all I could about anything related to our farm work. I discovered that when I took the time, I was actually in awe of the beauty and the majestic way the cattle move across the pasture grazing.
I discovered “me time”. (If you don’t have “me time”, I strongly suggest you start. It will change your life.) “Me time” isn’t always easy with a busy life and two small kids, but I found it was imperative to my happiness. My “me time” varies, and the amount of “me time” I get varies. It can be as short as 10 minutes sometimes, but that’s okay. Sometimes it’s alone time on my front porch in the mornings sipping coffee, reading a book, and watching the cattle graze. Sometimes it’s my baking time. Sometimes it’s a bubble bath. Sometimes it’s going out to eat lunch at a restaurant all by myself.
Did you know that the 30th wedding anniversary gift is the pearl? It seems fitting for my 30th birthday as well. You see, a pearl is formed after an irritant works its way into a clam, muscle, or oyster. As a defense, it develops a a fluid to coat the irritant called a nacre. Layer upon layer of this coating is deposited until a lustrous pearl is formed. This seems like a good representation of my last 5 years. Me, the shell. My anxiety and depression, both in general and about turning 25, the irritant. My self discoveries as the nacre. And all of the things I enter 30 being passionate about are the pearls of my life.
My point in this is that no matter the age, or period in your life you’re going through, one day, things will all fall into place. They won’t happen at once. They might take years to happen like mine. Looking back I feel as thought the last 8 years of my life have been it “falling into place”. But it all happened in His time, not mine.
I entered age 25 riddled with anxiety about nothing but a number. Twenty-five to twenty-nine were my years of self discovery. I needed those years, and I wouldn’t change them. But I enter 30 full of hope, passion, and happiness.
What She's Thinking 